Saturday, May 16, 2009
hey lucifer,
finally back from my camp..i'm not really feeling good emotionally... hence the ungodly hour in which i'm writing to you.. well.. i think i should come clean once and for all to you..
when i was with sharon..yes.. i did message another girl.. but just normal messages.. although i said a few things which i think was not right.. i didn't say any explicit stuff.. you know what i mean right.. but i think that's the cause of my downfall..
i feel more alone now than ever before.. although she's here for me.. i still feel alone.. is it because she's no longer mine? i guess so.. maybe because i've been thinking about what led to me being in this situation.. i've been thinking about it more than usual for the past few hours.. and realized that i got trouble sleeping because of it.. so i've decided to tell you in hope that i'd maybe feel abit better after this..it's like my confession..
right now..i just feel that every bad things that happened to me and people around me in the past and now in the present are all because of me.. everything that has gone wrong somehow or rather started from me.. and i feel really bad about it.. i feel like a loser.. a failure.. after failing in life countless times.. i think that may be true.. sometimes i would just lie down and wonder.. why i was born in this world.. because i never brought anyone happiness..even if i did.. it's just for a short period of time before i do something devastating to hurt them or to hurt myself.. this includes my parents.. my friends.. and my ex-es. i just feel so alone right now in this world..i just feel like being alone..
she's still in contact with me right now.. and i think what's best is that i pull away from her.. slowly.. so that she won't realise it when i'm gone.. i just don't want to hurt her again.. she'll move on with her life right? i've decided not to have so many friends.. because i'm afraid of hurting them one way or another.. and i'll definitely not have another girlfriend.. it just feels so bad when i know that i would hurt the person in the future.. right now.. i just feel like being alone.. at least by being alone i don't hurt anyone else but myself..
and how much can i hurt me? i guess not much.. although sometimes i feel suicidal.. i try to live my life.. i don't know how much i can take being alone..because i've always been surrounded by friends and ex-girlfriends before they all left me..i guess that's what i'm gonna do lucifer.. which is to slowly pull away from her.. let her live her life.. looking at her happy from a distance.. i guess thats love too.. she'll move on without me.. definitely.. i'll keep on loading myself with work.. so that i won't think about anything else.. or rather i won't have time for anything else.. i'll try living life alone..
it sounds so sad.. but that should be the way.. i don't want to continue hurting anyone else.. at least you're around to listen to me.. thanks lucifer.. i learnt one thing.. people won't want to hear my sad stories.. and i think you too would like to listen to something happy from me for a change.. the world is cruel lucifer.. men are selfish..
-suaidi-
