Sunday, May 24, 2009
hey lucifer,
she came to my house just now..to take back her wallet..and then we chit chatted for a while..then i cooked for her some black pepper sausages and some bread..then my dad came home..and she left to meet him...sigh..
so i went to meet eric after that..went to semb shop...ate at subway.. then went to daiso to buy some stuff..then i went home..after that around 8 went to 404..met up with melvin and his gf..played bball for a bit..then about 1030 i went home already...after that around 2+ went to sofian's hse..to go for supper..i'm really really hungry..so bo bian..so came back at about 3+
then laid down on the bed..until now...
i can't sleep man..this is real bad..i just kept lying down on the bed..for about 3 or 4 hrs..and i still can't sleep.. her scent is still lingering on my bed..and it makes me feel so so comfortable..i think it's also not making me sleep...i just want to be able to smell it before i have to book in later..
hopefully i can see her later too.. i miss her so much man..i want her really really badly..i want her back being with me...back being with me...back being with me..back being with me...back being with me...hmns..
Thursday, May 21, 2009
hey lucifer,
been in camp quite long..tmr i'm not working..so i'll be having quite a long weekend.. had a talk with her yesterday..and it's been the same..every talk about our relationship is always the same..it starts with me saying the same things..and she'll say the same replies..and then she'll be exhausted and just goes away..
i'm alone at home now..more alone than ever.. i've been obsessing over my past mistakes..i'm currently very very low on patience..my biggest failures are biggest in my mind. to everyone else they're unremarkable...i wandered the streets for quite some time just now..just walking and in a fugue state fueled by sadness and loneliness.
she was the smartest, most fascinating girl i've ever met. she made me feel like i was intelligent, witty, attractive in short she makes me feel like one of life's winners.
when she left me.. i felt trauma to the brain and body that can be all but indistinguishable from mental illness.
at times, i would find myself relieveing memories of her sweetest and most endearing and vulnerable moments. the urge to once again comfort her and make her happy again was incredible,
when i found myself cataloguing her perfections, i tried, in vain, to negate each one with a flaw. but these too, served only to make her more human and endearing.
it's like being trapped in a box with a loudspeaker that amplifies my own voice, continuously broadcasting my shortcomings. nothing i did could make me shut up.
i had recurring dreams that she had never left, dreams that turned to nightmares at the moment of waking up. my love knows not its own depth until she seperated from me. by the time it was too late..i only learned to treasure her when she's gone.
sometimes at night, i would ask her as calmly as i could to give me a second chance and when she answered "no", i would plead with increasing desperation. each time it ended in the same humiliation, me begging and in tears, she composed but unmovable. but all the time i left it at that. as irrevocable as the loss of her love was, perhaps i knew i could still lose her much more. i though that i could get over her but now, i see, that i'm not even close.
she says that when she sees that i've changed, she'll come back to me. but i think i won't be able to prove that. because even i don't believe in myself. no one would believe in me to push me. no one would give me the motivation and trust.
-with you life was lovely, without you life is unbearable..
suaidi.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
xiaohai killed @ 10:08 PM
hey lucifer,
it's late..and i can't sleep again..today is 1 year already.. how i want her back so much.. hais..
Saturday, May 16, 2009
hey lucifer,
finally back from my camp..i'm not really feeling good emotionally... hence the ungodly hour in which i'm writing to you.. well.. i think i should come clean once and for all to you..
when i was with sharon..yes.. i did message another girl.. but just normal messages.. although i said a few things which i think was not right.. i didn't say any explicit stuff.. you know what i mean right.. but i think that's the cause of my downfall..
i feel more alone now than ever before.. although she's here for me.. i still feel alone.. is it because she's no longer mine? i guess so.. maybe because i've been thinking about what led to me being in this situation.. i've been thinking about it more than usual for the past few hours.. and realized that i got trouble sleeping because of it.. so i've decided to tell you in hope that i'd maybe feel abit better after this..it's like my confession..
right now..i just feel that every bad things that happened to me and people around me in the past and now in the present are all because of me.. everything that has gone wrong somehow or rather started from me.. and i feel really bad about it.. i feel like a loser.. a failure.. after failing in life countless times.. i think that may be true.. sometimes i would just lie down and wonder.. why i was born in this world.. because i never brought anyone happiness..even if i did.. it's just for a short period of time before i do something devastating to hurt them or to hurt myself.. this includes my parents.. my friends.. and my ex-es. i just feel so alone right now in this world..i just feel like being alone..
she's still in contact with me right now.. and i think what's best is that i pull away from her.. slowly.. so that she won't realise it when i'm gone.. i just don't want to hurt her again.. she'll move on with her life right? i've decided not to have so many friends.. because i'm afraid of hurting them one way or another.. and i'll definitely not have another girlfriend.. it just feels so bad when i know that i would hurt the person in the future.. right now.. i just feel like being alone.. at least by being alone i don't hurt anyone else but myself..
and how much can i hurt me? i guess not much.. although sometimes i feel suicidal.. i try to live my life.. i don't know how much i can take being alone..because i've always been surrounded by friends and ex-girlfriends before they all left me..i guess that's what i'm gonna do lucifer.. which is to slowly pull away from her.. let her live her life.. looking at her happy from a distance.. i guess thats love too.. she'll move on without me.. definitely.. i'll keep on loading myself with work.. so that i won't think about anything else.. or rather i won't have time for anything else.. i'll try living life alone..
it sounds so sad.. but that should be the way.. i don't want to continue hurting anyone else.. at least you're around to listen to me.. thanks lucifer.. i learnt one thing.. people won't want to hear my sad stories.. and i think you too would like to listen to something happy from me for a change.. the world is cruel lucifer.. men are selfish..
-suaidi-
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 09, 2009
hey lucifer,
it's my first day on the job today.. it's kinda boring..working from home...the person i'm under says right now i'll handle the internet and mail orders....and i gotta consolidate all the orders into like tables...then send it back to her..omg...it's like so much!! i almost went crazy...but kinda easy...the company's selling health products...so yeahs...i finished everything lehs..then she stunned for a while..and she told me that's for today and tmr..so basically i finished my this weeks assignments...-.-"
so i had a boring day...went to the library after i finish my work..but didn't find any books..so went home at about 5pm..then i slept for a bit..woke up at about 7 plus..then went to play ball...i'm so tired now..my legs feels like dropping off...and my mind's in a whirl..-.-. i'll talk to her later..so i'll end here kae..
xiaohai killed @ 10:51 PM
dear lucifer,
good that i give you a name. now you'll be my imaginary friend.. i'm getting a little nuts already..
anyway..she has called me already..she's with jason again..well..nothing much has changed.. life's still the same..
had a talk with her just now..didn't really feel very good..was having a fever.. so we talked quite abit.. i just feel very bad..the feeling of anguish was over me..and my heart felt very painful.. like poison being released into my body and it's all collecting at the heart.. yeahs.. i feel like a loser..like a sucker.. when you do good things..people will never see it..people will never remember it..but when you do bad things..it will spread like wildfire.. people will remember it for life.. why?? don't people change..?? i felt i've changed...i'm never reliant on any being with friends any longer..i just want to be with her.. i've deleted my friendster already..hmn..finally..after joining since like november 2003..it's ended today...on may 2009..it's been 6 long years.. finally.. and it sucks when i cannot give her the material comforts she wants..i'm just feeling very sucky...like a useless bastard...now i'm feeling like i'm just a normal person..just a normal me in this huge world.. although in the past.. i yearned to be popular..i yearned to have a lot of friends around me.. strangely..this new found normality feels very good.. strangely..i just found out that friends are no longer important to me..she's the only important one to me..
i'm trying to improve..trying to be good..but to her..i can never change..i can never improve..i will always be the bad guy in her eyes..
we can be considered very similar lucifer..i'm the devil too..
The depth of how a human mind works can be scary. Sometimes I don't understand, just cannot understand why things are handled this way, that way. How people in this place can accept the changes so readily and adapt to them as if change is a cup of tea. Then again, how can they be willing to be exposed of their real feelings?
I miss the loved feeling of an embrace. I miss holding hands, leaning onto someone who cares. I miss talking my heart out in the most genuine way and not having to hide my feelings behind smiles and laughter. I miss not having to feel jealousy and anger and bitterness because these bad feelings only surfaced recently.
I miss being able to cry to release my hurts. I miss doing things I want with the one I love. i miss the worried looks on people when they look at me. I miss people saying that I'm sick I should rest more.. ..Now, things are getting bad again, but no longer can I express it the way I could in the past.
My attempts to cry when things go wrong are futile.. and of course, the point that is most important: my falling back and breaking down can never be expressed in a desperate cry for help ever again..
thanks for listening lucifer..
and i guess you're the only person who can really see how much i love her..
-Suaidi-
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
dear friend,
well alot of things happened since i posted yesterday... for the record..she doesn't talk to me anymore.. she said she doesn't know herself. and doesn't know what she has become...and she has said she has changed..and she's afraid of herself.. well.. she asked for a few days to clear her mind.. so here i am...i felt very very bad yesterday..i can't sleep the whole of yesterday... so i forced down about 5 sleeping pills...and finally i was able to sleep.. when i woke up today..i felt like as if i was going to die.. so i went to the docs..and got diagnosed with low blood pressure...probably from taking too many sleeping pills... so i didn't feel good..
went to the counsellors in the afternoon...had a long talk with my counsellor..and she said i was doing the right thing...by giving her time to be on her own to clear her thoughts...but i told her i wasn't really feeling good by her descision..because i believe i can help her...so my counsellor said...just let her be..she said maybe "she" just needs to think it through...and my counsellor also said that she's doing the right thing...although she did hurt me a little bit by her descision yesterday...she was being fair to me...she was being fair to jason..and most importantly she was being fair to herself.. so i though about what my counsellor said..and well..maybe it's the right thing for her to do... so i'm gonna respect her and let her clear her mind..and wait for her to call me..and waiting is what i don't like to do the most..hais...however..i still love her deeply..she can't say she doesn't deserve my love..because by saying that she isn't giving herself a chance..hmns..
i don't know friend...i'm just feeling so lost..now i really got no one to talk to..i don't know who i can confide my problems into anymore..for once..i really found the person i love the most..you know..when your heart tells you that this is the one..yeah...i'm feeling like that...i'm not out to play her or whatever..i really love her with everything i can give..well..i can only turn to you at this point of time.. i'm missing her alot..and i feel like as if i'm lost..and lonely..i just want to hear her voice again...
and oh..the business company called me just now.. so probably i'll be starting this weekend..probably thinking of bringing back a cool $1500...that's if i work really hard..i'm trying...gotta pay back alot of ppl...well not really alot...just a total of about 250? then i need to pay for my school fees..so gotta save up...then hopefully i can go get my car liscence by june. oh well..i don't know how i'll do on the job..but if i never try i wouldn't know right? hmn..i'll be off here...gotta go to bed...feeling really really light headed now...
missing you bee.. Love Begins With You, Sharon Poi Mei Ping.
p.s. do call me..
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
hullo friend,
i'm at her hse right now..i came out from camp late.. cos she didn't want me to come out at first. so i came out later..at about 7 plus? so i went to her hse...help her configure her lappy..now she's outside with him while i'm at her hse configuring her lappy...still doing the work..i dono...i'm having mixed feelings...feeling both happy and sad...although i'm happy that i get to meet her..and play with her...and stay at her place...she's now out with him...and i'm doing her work...not that the work matters...just that sometimes i really feel like her spare tyre...anyway...she's gone to take her earpiece...then should be now having a short dinner ba...i dono...hmn...i'm doing the configuration now..i'll come and write to you again when i have time kae.. bubye friend.
xiaohai killed @ 10:03 PM
Monday, May 04, 2009
dear friend,
i went to my store's chalet a few days ago..till today...it was okae..on the first day it was kinda boring...and i was missing her alot..so it just passed by normally..
then on the 2nd day..she came..i was sad initially..cos it means that it's the last day i'm gonna meet her ever.. i met her at tampines...we walked around tampines 1, tampines mall and century square for a bit...then we took a bus and headed to changi village..and had a short walk...then i brought her to the chalet..
i brought her there..then she came to the room where i was sleeping..and i laid down on the bed.. then she came and gave me a huge huge phone...on my stomach...i'll upload the photo later to let you see..then she wanted to sleep..and i put her to bed..and i looked at her..for a very very long time..then i thought about the sad moments...and i just cried..i'm so weak now..then she just kissed me..a long long kiss..and a few things happened after that..i had a long talk with her..talking about her now stuff with him..then..well i guess she also let out on alot of things.. and i just felt really happy...i continued to spend a long time with her..i just hugged her...hold her hands and stuff...i didn't want to let go..at that point of time..i was genuinely happy for the first time..i felt relieved because i let out on a lot of things i've been keeping deep within me..and she felt the same way too..but soon the time came when she had to go back..i was sad again..i really didn't want her to go..when she left..i missed her almost immediately..i just wanna see her again..to hold her hand again..to hug her again..to kiss her again..to say i love you to her and really mean it again..all in all i just want her to be back with me..i don't really care what other people say about me or her..i just want her back..i don't care if even she takes me as a sub. i just want her back.. i just love her too much already..and it's hurting me every second that she's with him..when she's out with him and stuff..sometimes it hurts real bad..i wish she would just come back like that.. but i know that's never gonna happen..hais..i'm thinking too much again..
the third and fourth day passed by the same again..just normal...
now i'm back home..
bee..thanks for being there on saturday..i really appreciate you coming and accompanying me..it's really the first time i felt so happy since the day i came out.. i love you bee..with all my heart..i'll repay all my debts by june..i'll be humble..i'm working hard already..working hard to change..you can see it right?? i'll get my car liscence.. with some sponsorship from my parents. (hopefully). i'll be good bee..thank you so much for being there..and thank you for being here.. i love you. -suaidi-
xiaohai killed @ 11:15 AM
number 101th post! =Di'm thinking that this blog is becoming ours, not just yours. i'm just waiting for a suitable excuse to leave. i know i'm bad, but i don't want you go walk away.
xiaohai killed @ 11:05 AM
Friday, May 01, 2009
=P
xiaohai killed @ 11:08 AM
dear friend,
well, i haven't been here for a long long time already. and many things happened since the last time i came here.. i guess it's better for me to tell you since no one comes to see you any longer.
so yeahs. i went out with her yesterday. went to this ginza plaza which is now called west coast plaza. i bought her a pink rose. =) well just a pathetic one.. i wanted to buy her like one bouquet of 12 roses..but i didn't have enough money..oh well.. then we went to walk around..bought her veet.. cos her legs were getting bad from her shaving.. so heart pain. hmn.. then we went to eat at subway..and trained back to yishun.. bought her a fighting fish there.. a nice blue one..although i preferred the red one..but she chose the blue one..and she looked really really happy..sent her home at about 7 plus..then i went back to camp..
then i talked to her yesterday night.. well i got sad.. she said something like "if i won't be with you in the future..i just want you to be a better person." and something like "i'm in between 2 person. one who has money and transport. and the other who i have feelings for." then she went on saying "which gerl doesn't want money and transport?" well i guess when she said those few stuff..it shattered my heart.. i felt real bad real quick.. i felt like a loser.. why does all these things happen to me? when i got no money everyone of my friends just left one by one.. is money really important in life? i told myself yesterday that i must get rich.. i must have money.. and i told myself that by june. i'd have already returned everything i owe. and that by june i would go get a car liscence.
hais. i feel real bad the whole of today. i jumped out of sleep and started crying.. i had this really bad dream about her dying and really leaving me. i called her to see if she's okae. and luckily she's fine. couldn't really sleep after that. my neck started aching. went for lunch at camp then went to buy her a polo t. just a normal 6 division poloT. i wanted to go fetch her..because i should've left work at 3pm. but then i got so much work at the last minute..i wanted to kill alot of people.. so i finished at 5pm.. then my mom came to fetch me.. i really wanted to meet her.. but she asked me to stay at home.. and she was meeting him anyway. i don't know why but everytime she goes out with him i would just feel like...like...shit.. so i went to meet eric to play bball and dinner.. but they didn't want to ball.. so we went to 500+ instead.i watched them play monopoly.."they" are eric. stanley and his gf. tzy kang and his gf. melvin and his gf. jia seng and his gf. by the time.. she already went out with him already.. i didn't feel good today..was feeling emo the whole day..then went home at about 11+ shortly after.. she msged me..and said she's not feeling good..and wanted to be left alone..
i'm feeling really useless. i cannot make her happy.. i don't even know what happened when she went out with him.. in short i just feel like..so lonely.. i just want to make her smile..i want to make her happy..hais.. nowadays i'm like emotionally unstable.. i don't really know when i'll just burst.. and i don't want to know what will happen should that happen.. i got no one to turn to. i don't feel good telling her..because it'll only make me appear weaker.. and i don't want her to see me in such a low point in my life. that's why i always try to make her happy.. i just want to see her smile.. you know..the kind of smile that makes you happy too..i'm really missing her alot. i just feel like as if. i'm all alone in this world..
i want someone to be here for me..i want to hug her..but i just can't bring out enough courage to tell her what i'm feeling..i don't want her to be sad too...so you're my only friend right now.. a friend i can really trust who doesn't let out my secrets..right now..i feel like withdrawing from the world.. like MIA-ing. feel like deleting my friendster, msn.. change to a new number. i just feel like being alone..
i cried hard again just now.. think i cried hard every other night.. i don't know why.. i feel so weak inside.. i'm like being in my own world.. i always sleep half of my bed.. and pretend that she's sleeping beside me..pretend to hug her.. to pat her to sleep.. and pretend to give her a good night kiss on the cheeks.. i still pray for her everynight.. pray for her family and my family too.. i don't know why i'm like this...
i watched a show just now.. and it only made me feel worse.. there was this old couple..and even when the guy's wife was going to die.. and both of them knew..they were still so loving.. i wish i could be like that with her..hais.. i don't know..i really don't know..i'm feeling really sad..really depressed.. and really confused... i'm still waiting for her to call me..at this time of the night..or rather morning..
i couldn't help myself but fall deeper and deeper in love with her. i guess she's the one i ever truely love so much..and she's the only one that made me cry so much..and she's the only one that made me want to give her so much..i watched her sleep a few times already..and i really can't forget the innocent look on her face..i feel like i just want to protect her forever.. i just want her to be happy..i can give her money if she wants..hell i'll give her my pay every month...i just want her back...I REALLY REALLY WANT HER BACK.. i miss her so much...i could give anything in the world..i could give the devil half my lifespan just to be with her again. i really want her back..i don't want to make any more mistakes...she's my angel, my motivation, my everything..please come back to me bee..
hais. . .
i want to be a better person..i'll keep coming..once a week at least..to talk to you okae? it feels good to tell someone whom i know won't tell anyone anything..thanks for listening friend.
-xiaohai-
