Thursday, May 21, 2009
hey lucifer,
been in camp quite long..tmr i'm not working..so i'll be having quite a long weekend.. had a talk with her yesterday..and it's been the same..every talk about our relationship is always the same..it starts with me saying the same things..and she'll say the same replies..and then she'll be exhausted and just goes away..
i'm alone at home now..more alone than ever.. i've been obsessing over my past mistakes..i'm currently very very low on patience..my biggest failures are biggest in my mind. to everyone else they're unremarkable...i wandered the streets for quite some time just now..just walking and in a fugue state fueled by sadness and loneliness.
she was the smartest, most fascinating girl i've ever met. she made me feel like i was intelligent, witty, attractive in short she makes me feel like one of life's winners.
when she left me.. i felt trauma to the brain and body that can be all but indistinguishable from mental illness.
at times, i would find myself relieveing memories of her sweetest and most endearing and vulnerable moments. the urge to once again comfort her and make her happy again was incredible,
when i found myself cataloguing her perfections, i tried, in vain, to negate each one with a flaw. but these too, served only to make her more human and endearing.
it's like being trapped in a box with a loudspeaker that amplifies my own voice, continuously broadcasting my shortcomings. nothing i did could make me shut up.
i had recurring dreams that she had never left, dreams that turned to nightmares at the moment of waking up. my love knows not its own depth until she seperated from me. by the time it was too late..i only learned to treasure her when she's gone.
sometimes at night, i would ask her as calmly as i could to give me a second chance and when she answered "no", i would plead with increasing desperation. each time it ended in the same humiliation, me begging and in tears, she composed but unmovable. but all the time i left it at that. as irrevocable as the loss of her love was, perhaps i knew i could still lose her much more. i though that i could get over her but now, i see, that i'm not even close.
she says that when she sees that i've changed, she'll come back to me. but i think i won't be able to prove that. because even i don't believe in myself. no one would believe in me to push me. no one would give me the motivation and trust.
-with you life was lovely, without you life is unbearable..
suaidi.
