Saturday, May 09, 2009
dear lucifer,
good that i give you a name. now you'll be my imaginary friend.. i'm getting a little nuts already..
anyway..she has called me already..she's with jason again..well..nothing much has changed.. life's still the same..
had a talk with her just now..didn't really feel very good..was having a fever.. so we talked quite abit.. i just feel very bad..the feeling of anguish was over me..and my heart felt very painful.. like poison being released into my body and it's all collecting at the heart.. yeahs.. i feel like a loser..like a sucker.. when you do good things..people will never see it..people will never remember it..but when you do bad things..it will spread like wildfire.. people will remember it for life.. why?? don't people change..?? i felt i've changed...i'm never reliant on any being with friends any longer..i just want to be with her.. i've deleted my friendster already..hmn..finally..after joining since like november 2003..it's ended today...on may 2009..it's been 6 long years.. finally.. and it sucks when i cannot give her the material comforts she wants..i'm just feeling very sucky...like a useless bastard...now i'm feeling like i'm just a normal person..just a normal me in this huge world.. although in the past.. i yearned to be popular..i yearned to have a lot of friends around me.. strangely..this new found normality feels very good.. strangely..i just found out that friends are no longer important to me..she's the only important one to me..
i'm trying to improve..trying to be good..but to her..i can never change..i can never improve..i will always be the bad guy in her eyes..
we can be considered very similar lucifer..i'm the devil too..
The depth of how a human mind works can be scary. Sometimes I don't understand, just cannot understand why things are handled this way, that way. How people in this place can accept the changes so readily and adapt to them as if change is a cup of tea. Then again, how can they be willing to be exposed of their real feelings?
I miss the loved feeling of an embrace. I miss holding hands, leaning onto someone who cares. I miss talking my heart out in the most genuine way and not having to hide my feelings behind smiles and laughter. I miss not having to feel jealousy and anger and bitterness because these bad feelings only surfaced recently.
I miss being able to cry to release my hurts. I miss doing things I want with the one I love. i miss the worried looks on people when they look at me. I miss people saying that I'm sick I should rest more.. ..Now, things are getting bad again, but no longer can I express it the way I could in the past.
My attempts to cry when things go wrong are futile.. and of course, the point that is most important: my falling back and breaking down can never be expressed in a desperate cry for help ever again..
thanks for listening lucifer..
and i guess you're the only person who can really see how much i love her..
-Suaidi-
