dear friend,
well, i haven't been here for a long long time already. and many things happened since the last time i came here.. i guess it's better for me to tell you since no one comes to see you any longer.
so yeahs. i went out with her yesterday. went to this ginza plaza which is now called west coast plaza. i bought her a pink rose. =) well just a pathetic one.. i wanted to buy her like one bouquet of 12 roses..but i didn't have enough money..oh well.. then we went to walk around..bought her veet.. cos her legs were getting bad from her shaving.. so heart pain. hmn.. then we went to eat at subway..and trained back to yishun.. bought her a fighting fish there.. a nice blue one..although i preferred the red one..but she chose the blue one..and she looked really really happy..sent her home at about 7 plus..then i went back to camp..
then i talked to her yesterday night.. well i got sad.. she said something like "if i won't be with you in the future..i just want you to be a better person." and something like "i'm in between 2 person. one who has money and transport. and the other who i have feelings for." then she went on saying "which gerl doesn't want money and transport?" well i guess when she said those few stuff..it shattered my heart.. i felt real bad real quick.. i felt like a loser.. why does all these things happen to me? when i got no money everyone of my friends just left one by one.. is money really important in life? i told myself yesterday that i must get rich.. i must have money.. and i told myself that by june. i'd have already returned everything i owe. and that by june i would go get a car liscence.
hais. i feel real bad the whole of today. i jumped out of sleep and started crying.. i had this really bad dream about her dying and really leaving me. i called her to see if she's okae. and luckily she's fine. couldn't really sleep after that. my neck started aching. went for lunch at camp then went to buy her a polo t. just a normal 6 division poloT. i wanted to go fetch her..because i should've left work at 3pm. but then i got so much work at the last minute..i wanted to kill alot of people.. so i finished at 5pm.. then my mom came to fetch me.. i really wanted to meet her.. but she asked me to stay at home.. and she was meeting him anyway. i don't know why but everytime she goes out with him i would just feel like...like...shit.. so i went to meet eric to play bball and dinner.. but they didn't want to ball.. so we went to 500+ instead.i watched them play monopoly.."they" are eric. stanley and his gf. tzy kang and his gf. melvin and his gf. jia seng and his gf. by the time.. she already went out with him already.. i didn't feel good today..was feeling emo the whole day..then went home at about 11+ shortly after.. she msged me..and said she's not feeling good..and wanted to be left alone..
i'm feeling really useless. i cannot make her happy.. i don't even know what happened when she went out with him.. in short i just feel like..so lonely.. i just want to make her smile..i want to make her happy..hais.. nowadays i'm like emotionally unstable.. i don't really know when i'll just burst.. and i don't want to know what will happen should that happen.. i got no one to turn to. i don't feel good telling her..because it'll only make me appear weaker.. and i don't want her to see me in such a low point in my life. that's why i always try to make her happy.. i just want to see her smile.. you know..the kind of smile that makes you happy too..i'm really missing her alot. i just feel like as if. i'm all alone in this world..
i want someone to be here for me..i want to hug her..but i just can't bring out enough courage to tell her what i'm feeling..i don't want her to be sad too...so you're my only friend right now.. a friend i can really trust who doesn't let out my secrets..right now..i feel like withdrawing from the world.. like MIA-ing. feel like deleting my friendster, msn.. change to a new number. i just feel like being alone..
i cried hard again just now.. think i cried hard every other night.. i don't know why.. i feel so weak inside.. i'm like being in my own world.. i always sleep half of my bed.. and pretend that she's sleeping beside me..pretend to hug her.. to pat her to sleep.. and pretend to give her a good night kiss on the cheeks.. i still pray for her everynight.. pray for her family and my family too.. i don't know why i'm like this...
i watched a show just now.. and it only made me feel worse.. there was this old couple..and even when the guy's wife was going to die.. and both of them knew..they were still so loving.. i wish i could be like that with her..hais.. i don't know..i really don't know..i'm feeling really sad..really depressed.. and really confused... i'm still waiting for her to call me..at this time of the night..or rather morning..
i couldn't help myself but fall deeper and deeper in love with her. i guess she's the one i ever truely love so much..and she's the only one that made me cry so much..and she's the only one that made me want to give her so much..i watched her sleep a few times already..and i really can't forget the innocent look on her face..i feel like i just want to protect her forever.. i just want her to be happy..i can give her money if she wants..hell i'll give her my pay every month...i just want her back...I REALLY REALLY WANT HER BACK.. i miss her so much...i could give anything in the world..i could give the devil half my lifespan just to be with her again. i really want her back..i don't want to make any more mistakes...she's my angel, my motivation, my everything..please come back to me bee..
hais. . .
i want to be a better person..i'll keep coming..once a week at least..to talk to you okae? it feels good to tell someone whom i know won't tell anyone anything..thanks for listening friend.
-xiaohai-
